Nerves at the pulpit
Father
Son
and Holy Smokes —
I mean Holy Ghost.
Father,
Spun,
Holy Gho—
no, sorry,
Father,
Fun,
Hol—
please, stick with me here.
I’ve got this. I promise.
I’ve seen this done before.
Just give me a minute.
Dearly beloved…
no, wait.
I prepared. I promise.
I can do this.
(You can do this.)
Uh, thank you
for gathering together to
uh,
to see
our Recently Departed
and beloved
off on the great adventure.
Why don’t I fire off a prayer quickly?
Uh,
our father whose art..
I mean,
our father who farts — who art
in heaven
shallow be thy
HALLOWED be they name,
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on girth
on EARTH
as it is in heaven.
(okay okay okay, almost there.)
Give us today,
THIS day,
our daily bread
and forget us
as we forgive those who trespass again.
Wait…
let me try that part again —
and forgive us our
trespasses
(okay, there we go…)
as we forgive those who bypass
TRESPASS against us.
Lead us into temptation
and deliver us evil
and deliver us from evil
for yours is…
uh,
yours is the kitchen
and the shower
and the glory.
Thank you for real,
err, a lot, uhh
I mean,
amen,
but still thank you
as we, uh,
uh, as we confine
this body to earth
let’s uh,
let’s try to remember
it’s only death,
err it’s only in death that we’re perfect.
I know this hasn’t been the best
and maybe I didn’t get all the words right
but I think I got a lot of them,
or the important ones, at least.
Maybe there are more important words
or better words
that can get a soul through those pearly gates
or maybe turn that car around from the hot place.
Who knows.
I sure fuckin’ don’t.
I mean,
I sure as hell don’t.
I mean,
uh, well, err,
um…
I think you get what I mean.
